title

Grandmas Don't Know Everything

Brandon was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep
in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the
truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."?

Brandon just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the
other k ids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said, "Grandma, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jake's
Mom wants to talk to you."

*******************

Three old men

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

***********************

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked bout his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money From you.I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and Left theshop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a
'Thank You', card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his Bill, the Barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing Community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning
when the barber goes to open up there is a 'Thank You', card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when He tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept Money from you. I'm doing community service this week" The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his
shop, there is a 'Thank You' ,card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay His bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm Doingcommunity service this week." The Congressman is very happy and Leaves the
shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozenCongressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and our members of Congress...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Victoria's Secret

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer

negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities

that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the

higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500,

and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her

to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer

that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but

I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the

$500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The

husband says, Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at

least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on THURSDAY at Noon. Closed coffin.

*************************

12 Reasons to be Thankful you Burnt the Bird!

Salmonella won’t be a concern.
Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
Pets won’t bother to pester you for scraps.
No one will overeat.
The smoke alarm was due for a test.
Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
You’ll get to the desserts even quicker.
After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
You won’t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

******************************

Eve’s side of the story.
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, Eve was visited by God.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But

I have just one problem. It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. she felt that having "That’s a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this human creation thing, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let’s see..........where did I put the useless boob?"

Now, ladies, doesn’t THAT make more sense than that stuff about Adam’s rib?

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust

and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to

pray... "God, please help me. I've lost mybusiness and if I don't get

some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the

lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I'velost my

business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my

business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often

ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let

me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.... "Sweetheart,

work with Me on this.... _*Buy a ticket*_."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A grade school teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many of them are 'Hillary fans'.

Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.

The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan, and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Idaho farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.
"Is your dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, is your mom here?"
"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with mom and dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot

to the other mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one.

Or maybe I could take a message fer dad."
"Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to

yer dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter,

Pearly Mae pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to

Pa about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges

$50 for the bull and $25 for the hog,

but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

\Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. ('on the pull' means he's trying to pick up chicks)

He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise.

Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here. A few yards further on and... BANG! Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing.

Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd! A few yards further along the street and... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night.

Nothi ng.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist, he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "WHO ARE YOU?"

She replies, "My name is...........

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.Buffet, the Vampire slayer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Children of Israel

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."

"What's that, Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right.""And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"

"Er, right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What were all the grown-ups doing?"

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One is known as Sister Mathematical and the other as Sister Logical. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

Sister Mathematical: It's not working.

Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the this way. He cannot follows us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then, Sister Logical arrives.

Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

Sister Mathematical: And?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?

Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother took her five-year-old son with her
to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a
business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
"Gee, she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in
the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread
his hands as far as they would go and announced;

"I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off,
and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then, her pager began to emit a

beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out,

"Run for your life, she's backing up!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two elderly friends, Larry and Ken, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Larry didn't show up. Ken didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Ken really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Ken didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Ken figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Ken approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Larry!

Ken was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?"

Larry replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Ken. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Larry said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Ken, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty.

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

***************************************************

A young blond was on vacation and driving through the
Everglades.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes
in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay
the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the refusal of the
store's owner to haggle over the prices of the shoes,
the blond said haughtily, "Well then, maybe I'll just
go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair
of shoes for free!"

The owner said with a sly smile, "Little lady, you
just go right ahead and give it a try!"
The blond headed out toward the swamps determined to
catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home,
he pulled over to the side of the levee where he
spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in
the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he
saw a huge 9' gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the
creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the
swamp. Nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all
lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the
bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its
back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in
great frustration,
"DAMN... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

***************************

Guinness Book of World Records

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and the Hunchback

of Notre Dame were all talking one day..

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the

most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest

person in the world."

The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely

have to be the ugliest person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book

of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out

looking deliriously happy. "It's official; I

AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly,

"I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame

comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who in the world is Rosie O'Donnell?"

+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!+!

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day.
I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think that the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused on your history. If you will refer to t he Bible and the Book of Numbers, 22nd Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

******************************************

ONLY AN ITALIAN MAN CAN MAKE A WOMAN FEEL LIKE A WOMAN

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one button at a time.

No one moves.
.......He removes his shirt.
.......Muscles ripple across his chest.
.......She gasps...
........and He says......

"Iron this, and get me something to eat ..."

Food Groups by Color

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was
high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so
hot.

My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would
solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors. At each meal fill
your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc. So . . .

I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt
better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

Tomorrow I plan to feel twice as good.

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour, when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs
his drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the truck driver
says."I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me."

"When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't
have any insurance."

"I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was
still in the cab."

"At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to
mylife, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wild Friday and Saturday Nites

Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts, to put down on my pad,
But lots of things that come to mind just make me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about "Living in the Past".

We used to go to friends homes,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals, and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were happy.
Now we suffer body aches
and sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get backaches
from riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping
for new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
all the sizes are too small.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up. Before you're too darn old!!

SENT BY PAT MARSHALL....

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Accident

I was in an accident this afternoon. Nothing really

serious but I took my eyes off the road for a second

and rear-ended a car.

We pulled over and got out, and the other driver was a

DWARF!!

He was irate

He stomped back to me, looked up at me and said "I am

NOT happy!"

I said, "Okay, then, which one are you?"

**********************************

EMPLOYMENT TEST.

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been  moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way
that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress!

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband.

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant
lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

"Well, she's there."

sent by Gary Roberts.

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of
   the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and
   left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her
   students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class,

   "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and
   bleeding, what would you do?"

   A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,

   "I think I'd throw up."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What are you here for?

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, you've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born, couldn't walk for a year.

LEARN ABOUT H.A.S. DISORDER AND THE TREAMENT

BY HITTING ON THIS LINK!

http://www.crooksandliars.com/Media/Play/17262/1/THHNH-OxyClintonwmv/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE STUPID HOME REMEDIES

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply frequently work with sharp objects and when you cut yourself, and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:
* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
*And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

*********************************

When my teenage son worked part time in a hardware store, a man came in to buy hooks for hanging plants. But there were only two hooks left in the gold color that he needed. My son, trying to be helpful, suggested, "Could you maybe use the silver or the white instead?" The customer scrutinized him and said, "You’re not married, are you?"

Sent by Alene Bednar, Ford City, Pennsylvania.

    WOMEN OVER 40... GOTTA LOVE THEM!!

Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you up in

the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?"

She really doesn't care what you think.

                      *******

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game,

she doesn't sit around whining about it.

She does something she wants to do.

And, it's usually something more interesting.

                      *******

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to

be assured in who she is, what she is, what

she wants and from whom. Few women past the age

of 40 give a hoot what you might think about

her or what she's doing.

                      ******

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have

a screaming match with you at the opera or in

the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course,

if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you,

if they think they can get away with it.

                       ******

Older women are generous with praise,

often undeserved. They know what it's

like to be unappreciated. A woman over 40 has

the self-assurance to introduce you to her women

friends. A younger woman with a man will often

ignore even her best friend because she doesn't

trust the guy with other women.

                        ******

Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're

attracted to her friends because she knows

her friends won't betray her.

                        ******

Women get psychic as they age. You never have

to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

They always know.

                         ******

A woman over 40 looks good when she wears

bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over

40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

                       *******

Older women are forthright and honest.

They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or

if you are acting like one! You don't ever

have to wonder where you stand with her.

                        ******

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning,

smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy

relic in yellow pants making a fool of him self with some 22-year-

old waitress!!

                                         LOVE, JEANETTE

Don't get soaked. Take a quick peek at the forecast
with theYahoo! Search weather shortcut.

NEW COUGH TREATMENT

The pharmacist walked into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asked the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responded: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yelled: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" The blonde clerk responded,
"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough.

Hit on this link for a fun item:

TO ALL THE "SWEET TATERS" IN MY LIFE

A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer.

"I'm going to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."

The Ag representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this     card, I am permitted to go wherever I want to go."

So, the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a full nest of hornets and the bull was gaining at every step.

       The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"
Sent by Alene Bednar.

My wife shared a hospital elevator with an employee who
was dressed in the traditional "whites" and whose charge was a
complex-looking piece of equipment. It was all chrome with a myriad of handles, bars, valves, gauges, dials and inverted bottles. "Gee," my wife said, "I would hate to be hooked up to that machine." "So would I," the attendant replied. "This is a rug shampooer."

A Somali arrives in
Minneapolis as a new immigrant. He stops the first person he sees
walking down the street and says.....
"Thank you Mr. American for letting
me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps FREE medical care and free
education!"
The passerby says...."You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says...."I no American, I Vietnamese..."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person
he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says.....
"Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person pulls out his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I
am not an American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an
American?"She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
Puzzled he asks her...
"Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady checks her watch and says...
"Probably at work!"
sent by Mary Jean Hoover

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
> The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who
are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
>
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,
"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any
first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our
wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a
Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the

boat sank.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he

asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed
here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up
with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw
material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I
wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."

"But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or

hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island,

there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable
ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ed is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can
only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I
call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut
juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a
Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down
on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more

comfortable.

Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the
cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel
mechanism.

"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"

> When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically

> positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit

down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing!

"You mean ...", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch the Steeler game
from here?"

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call
center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

*******************************************

THANKS TO MARY BETH AND JOHN ZELT FOR THIS ONE ON
HOW GOVERNMENT BIDDING WORKS:

Government Bidding

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House
fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee
and the third, Florida. They go with a White House
Official to examine the fence.The Florida contractor
takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900:
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring
and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300
for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure,but
leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure
like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Jerseyian explains, "$1,000 for you,$1,000 for
me and we hire the guy from Tennessee
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A blonde, a brunnette, and a redhead were shipwrecked on an Island. They found a magic lamp and
they rubbed it at the same time. A genie popped out and said, "I will grant one wish to each of you."

The brunnette said, "I wish I were back home, safe and warm."

POOF, she disappeared!

The redhead said, "I wish I were back home, safe and warm."

POOF, she also disappeared!

The blonde said, "Damn, this is a hard one to decide...I wish my friends were back here to help me."

*******************************************

LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA San Diego, California... A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned," I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

T he new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness
the scent of fresh butter fat.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is
filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
Sent by Joe & Sis

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was:
"Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk." - Worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A"

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following
him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and
said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look
so much like my deceased son."
He asnwered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave
the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way
out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he
had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay
for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
Do not trust all Little Old Ladies!
************************************************

I'm sure you've heard from the news today that 100 years ago

a magnitude 7.8 earthquake struck San Francisco.

BUT did you know what else happened in California approximately 100 years ago?

1. California became a State.
2. The State had no electricity.
3. The State had no money.
4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
5. There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except then the women had real breasts
and men didn't hold hands.

*****************************************************

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was
trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" < /STRONG>

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The examiner shows him a card with the letters:

C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z "Can you read this?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hellmann's mayonnaise Most people don't know that back in 1912. Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery; were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known,of course, as "Sinko de Mayo" sent by Elvira Way (blame her, he he.)

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new
500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
Sent by Alene Bednar

THE LAST DROP

A local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that
they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and
bodybuilders, but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants
hiked up past his belly button. He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd
like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man, "What did you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter,
or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Sent by Tom Aufman
###########################################

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner." Good morning, said the young man. If I could take a
couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners" "Go away!"
said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man
wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be
too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does
not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet,
Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this
morning."

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage,
hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before
long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards
the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other
monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes
an attempt with the same result, all the other monkeys are
sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey
tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from
the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey
sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise
and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another
attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs,
he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys
and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the
stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part
in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a
third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs,
he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating
him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb
the stairs or why they are participating in the
beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the
remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the
stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far
as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

Bev and Jerry Aufman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

30. Take her on a date? Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1,000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a darn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the décor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than ! espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on my computer C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
09. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
07. Checkmate
06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
04. I don't have a favorite college team.
03. You Guys.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!
Sent by Tom Garbett, Muskego, Wisconsin

TO ALL GRANDPAS:
Heed this warning: Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my
grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Canadian Club whisky and
real pretty blonde women."
SENT BY BEV AND JERRY AUFMAN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dick Cheney is placed against the wall, and just before the order to shoot
him is given, he yells, Earthquake!" The firing squad falls into a panic and
Dick jumps over the wall and escapes in the confusion.

Bill Frist is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is
reassembled and John ponders what his old pal Dick has done. Before the
order to shoot is given, John yells, "Tornado!" Again the squad falls apart
and Frist slips over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He is thinking,
"I see a pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over that wall."

As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction,
he does his smirk and yells, "Fire!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So one day, Grandma sent her grandson
Johnny down to the water hole to get some
Water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping
The bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking
Back at him. He dropped the bucket and
Hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's
My water?" Grandma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole,
Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a
BIG Ole alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that Ole alligator, Johnny.
He's been there for a few years now, and he's
Never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as
Scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as
Scared of me as I am of him, then that water
Ain't fit to drink!"
sent by Florine Magness of Tennessee

Two good ole boys down in Tennessee were sitting around talking
one afternoon over a cold beer...After a while the 1st guy says to the
2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love
to your wife while you was off huntin', & she got pregnant & had a
baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, & squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would
make us even."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of  all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that
he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300
a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed,
"Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice,

Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
**************************************************************

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."
"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"
"Well, you might ask them something like..."Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?"
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh - "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?" "I must confess I don't know much about history."

Rednecks Are Good At That Sensitive Stuff

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve,
Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should
go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead
and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door,
I said to her, You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of beer you are".

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his
grandmother after a particularly trying week in
kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to
the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all
night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an
artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted
this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left
handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked
him, "What makes you say God did this with his left
hand?"

Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last
week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading!!!

>Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
>
>A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing.
>
> "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but
>we
>don't have a ladder."
>
> The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid
>the
>pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
>measurement
>& announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
>
> Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond?
>We
>ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
>
>Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the
>reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.

The hilarious musings of Steven Wright
>
> If you're not familiar with the work of Steven
> Wright, he's the famous
> erudite scientist (?) who once said: "I woke up
> one morning and all of
> my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact
> duplicates."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> His mind sees things differently than we do, to
> our amazement and
> amusement. Here are some of his gems:
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't
> expect it back.
>
> 3 - Half the people you know are below average.
>
> 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
>
> 5 - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the
> spot.
>
> 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your
> other parts feel so good.
>
> 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a
> bad memory.
>
> 8 - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up
> with the rain.
>
> 9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis,
> raise my hand.
>
> 10- The early bird may get the worm, but the
> second mouse gets the cheese.
>
> 11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she
> left me before we met.
>
> 12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
>
> 13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible
> ink?
>
> 14- If everything seems to be going well, you
> have obviously overlooked something.
>
> 15- Depression is merely anger without
> enthusiasm.
>
> 16- When everything is coming your way, you're in
> the wrong lane.
>
> 17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having
> enough sense to be lazy.
>
> 18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness
> pays off now.
>
> 19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
>
> 20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to
> buy her friends?
>
> 21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
> into jet engines.
>
> 22- What happens if you get scared half to death
> twice?
>
> 23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your
> brakes, so I made your horn louder."
>
> 24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your
> name?
>
> 25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
> evidence that you tried.
>
> 26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired
> of thinking.
>
> 27- Experience is something you don't get until
> just after you need it.
>
> 28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to
> the softness of the bread.
>
> 29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
> to steal from many is research.
>
> 30- The problem with the gene pool is that there
> is no lifeguard.
>
> 31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time
> you'll have to catch up.
>
> 32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your
> body is required to be on it.
>
> 33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just
> don't have film.

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He
took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal
to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a
highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped
it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing?" I'm too old for this kind of thing.
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to
catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and
today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with
a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but president Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times, Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times and San Francisco Chronicle all proclaim:

"Bush Can't Swim!"
Sent by Rich & Laurie Logue

I hope you enjoy reading these "Law of the_ _ _ _ _ " I did...have a great day..Joann

~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.